...Oh MAN, I was suffocating for a while, there!
So anyway, you may have noticed a complete lack of activity overall from yours truly. Well, that's because my mom's old computer that I was using finally started giving out on me for whatever reason that computers give out on people. And right about the same time, one of my brothers is enrolled in an online school, and so he had to use the other computer that me and another brother already share.
Not to mention the desktop needs to be replaced completely, the computer in the basement has no internet connection, and neither does my incredibly dated computer with a faulty screen.
So that left me without internet connection for roughly eight days (I figured counting the days would be a sign of slipping towards gradual insanity) combine that with having no driver's license and living in the middle of Nowhere PA; and it almost drove me nuts.
And now I am really super behind on, like, all the stuff I'm following. By this point I've watched most the videos from channels I've subscribed to, and cleared my DeviantArt messages, but I've got a ton of stuff at Equetria Daily to go through (because I'll go crazy if I remain uninformed) not to mention I believe Hasbro has released another Equestria Girls clip, which means I have another reaction video to make, and this one will be late...
(Groan) All of this helped me to conclude that I need to buy my own computer, however my mom tells me that I should wait until I have enough cash, so... here we are.
Also, during this time, I finally went to get myself evaluated, and... I am, shall we say, 'on the spectrum'. Level-1, so not very high, but yeah, its still there.
At first, this really didn't bother me all that much, but then I began a few days later to realize just how big this actually is, at least from my perspective.
See, after spending much of my childhood (I will be 20 by the end of the month, by the way, so my childhood is basically over) in the middle of nowhere in a lot of places -since we weren't allowed to cross the streets until we moved to the suburbs for two years, I've only ever had my family to talk to about, well, whatever is on the brain.
But they've always seemed to have a somewhat negative or contrasting view with me, especially as of late; I've been getting the cold shoulder from most of my brothers, and those who haven't given it to me are too young or dumb to understand -mostly young. I began to realize that it seemed like a lot of people were trying to ignore or avoid me. Even with people who I'm not related to, I could never seem to make any kind of connection with them and they always seemed to back away when I was trying to make a point.
Over time I got the idea that maybe there was something wrong about me, that maybe there were ways that I could improve myself to earn others' respect, and over time I put forth the effort to not put people off to where it becomes an impulse. And yet, while things have kind of improved, I still seemed to not be making that connection.
I converse with most people fine, but the situation with my family is no different, and I still feel like I'm not making that connection. My brothers have often called me flat-out weird and stupid (being the oldest gets you nowhere, you know) an my dad gives off this air like I'm stubbornly refusing to grow up and will leech off of him forever, all the while he doesn't give two bits about any of my ideas.
So I eventually concluded that, while I was different, I was no more different than anyone else I did and didn't know, and that the people around me were the ones with the problems, like they were all in some kind of denial and that I was the only one not kidding myself. Its hard to explain.
But now that I know that I'm 'on the spectrum', that would actually explain a lot. I'm not just different, I'm 'different', 'unique', 'special' -quote, unquote.
All this time I've been defending myself by saying that I'm just as normal as everyone else and trying to prove it. And now I know that I'm not.
So may times I wondered if I suffered from a condition, like depression or something, but I had no way to be sure. Meanwhile I kept looking fr answers without knowing it, and no one could give me any. Often found myself confused and frustrated at this, but at the same time, I didn't really know why I was often angry and depressed. A lot of times I wanted to scream my wordless frustrations to the heavens, just to let out my bottled feelings I guess (I actually did this a couple times). It was a lonely feeling. Still is, just now its different.
(It also explains those crazy impulses I get that I just assumed everyone had and repressed like I did)
It really puts things in perspective.
On the positive side, this means that I'll finally be able to get some professional help so that I can move on with my life. But at the same time, this also changes everything, it literally does, because this means that the way I view my own life is changed, and while that isn't disabling me in any way, its kind if hard to get over.
At times I feel sort of like I'm in a looney bin, and while I'm nuts enough to be locked in there, everyone else is even worse off than me and I can't talk to anyone, not completely.
The diagnosis solves some problems, but not all of them.
Again, it really puts things in perspective.